Tom, calm yourself.

I love this video of Tom Cruise explaining to the US's Pat Kenny about the history of psychiatry and the evils it holds.
I hate how much money this man has. He is also on my list of people who should not be allowed to vote.
I wonder are there any scientology centres in the west of Ireland. I'd LOVE to go, maybe a little drunk too. Come to think of it I remember seeing a sign to do with scientology in Ballaghadereen, but it was in the window of a cafe called "Brown Sugar". I'm pretty sure the owners of the cafe knew brown sugar is street talk for heroin, and also the POlice would not.

Harry Potter and the Trip to Mary Costello.

Emma Watson/Hermione done shaved all her hairs off. In my professional opinion that's a two back and sides and a three on top BUT LEAVE THE SIDE BURNS LONG.
I hope she donated her hair to some kinda balding/birds nest charity.

Lily is up la DUFF.

For some unknown reason, Lily Allen has always wanted a baby. And now, through a miraculous no-pants-dance, her dream is coming true.
She's absolutely delighted, and is 3 months gone.
I no longer care.
Now if Amy Winehouse was up the spout, that i would follow to see what kind of seahorse she's birth.

Spit out those apple seeds!!!!

I knew this could happen. I always thought a little apple tree would grow in my stomach if I ate the seeds, and look what happened this unfortunate when he swallowed some rose buds.
Thankfully this immaculately dressed asian woman is there to help him out. Yet another reason to keep "The Magic Wok" on speed dial.

How did we live without.................

Have you been having sleepless and restless nights fretting about the state of your avocado's in the fridge? Or perhaps you are like me, and can't bare the thoughts of working out first thing in the morning? Afraid to use your new IPhone in constant turmoil of leaving finger prints on your screen? Well worry no more. These are just some of the handy contraptions invented to ensure your sleep remains forever more a pleasant slumber....

The Avocado Holder: Had friends over for a Mexican themed night did we? tired and full, we just toss that Avocado to the back of the fridge without another solitary though to the sheer havoc you have just unleashed on your other chilled foods? Just think, while you sleep, that mad bastard is rolling around, rubbing shoulders with your trusty tomato and ham for your next day sambo? Well sleep easy child, with this handy device, just simply strap it in, clasp it shut, and save yourself that uneasy feeling of dread when opening the fridge do to carnage the next morning. Only 19.99.

The Dumbbell Alarm: How do you want to wake in the morning? To any old alarm that immediately switches off when you fumble on the off or snooze button....OR, do 30 arm lifts with this handy 40kg Dumbbell? This little gadget refuses to release your ears from the buzzing sounds of foghorns until your 5 minute workout is complete. Start your day with a 'lift' for a refreshing, 24.99.

The Phone Fingers: Tired of running to the bathroom to sterilize and surgery scrub your hands every time the phone rings or when you need to send a SOS text out to alert a friend that The Hills is starting? Well cast aside your soaps, as this nifty number ensures that all you gots to do, is simply slip on these discreet finger protection gloves, and hey presto.Text friends, play with apps, check your facebook, the world wide web is literally at your finger tips for the 'covered' price of just 14.99.

For further info on any of these AMAZING products, don't hesitate to contact Lollipop direct, but be quick, the phone fingers are quite literally walking out the door..........

A RANDY kangaroo is stalking women in an outback town Down Under.

Several incidents have been reported of a well-endowed beast following women in Tennant Creek in Australia's remote Northern Territory.
School teacher Natasha Civitarese said she was chased by the towering mammal, while another unnamed victim said she was left in no doubt that Skippy wanted sex.
The woman, who was stalked by the mammal on the outskirts of the town, near the Honeymoon Ranges, revealed: "There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing."
Ms Civitarese said she was halfway through walking the five kilometres from the Mary Ann Dam to Tennant Creek last week when the kangaroo started tailing her.
Terrified
The 23-year-old said she was petrified by the two-metre tall animal.
She said: "I looked around and saw this big kangaroo on its back legs.
"I just started running and screaming. It would hop right back up to about a metre from me, stop, and prop itself up on its back legs and look around.
"I just kept running and it just kept watching. I thought 'it's going to get me', and was going to box me."
The Tennant Creek resident said she just kept running.
The local woman who was chased in the same spot just weeks before told how she was followed again recently.
She said: "I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps.
"It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it.
"Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me.
"He started circling me. There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing.
"It was a huge kangaroo and quite intimidating.
"I yelled at him to go away, waved my hands about and let him know I wasn't interested, but he was persistent - I'll give him that."

Frightening non? now, i must say, whilst in the outback, i never had the misfortune to cross paths with this horny rascal, however, i have witnessed events much like this much closer to urban society, the Elephant & Wheelbarrow, St kilda. A friday nite, in the form of a man from Armagh had very similar characteristics as this randy roo. Like that poor old sheila, i too felt trapped between a barstool and a speaker, immobilised and dazed by the disco lights and kings of leon cover tracks. Again like her, i waved and shooed him away, but to no avail..........he was persistent, i'll give him that (and thats all i gave him). Lollipops Out.

Where the FUCK are smiley bars?

I'm irate!! irate!! Now that i've used it twice i'm not sure that's a word. Anyway, a very talented lollipop pointed out that kinder buenos are a replacement-ish version of secret bars, but what replaces a smiley bar???
A chomp is the same size but has no orangeness, so I suppose you could eat a chomp and drink orange juice or summit but that doesn't seem right.
More worrying is that I can't find a single picture of a smiley bar, not even in the official Cadbury's database. This is some government cover-up shit. And I won't stand for it.
Actually, Smiley bars were the cause of one of my most embarrassing childhood memories. Picture it; an 8 yr old Seamus, at a party, and had just been discussing a scar i had on my chin from stitches, then the mother came over and asked:
M. "Where did you get that smiley?"
(I thought she had given a cute name to my scar, so i started retelling the story about falling on some concrete blocks. Then she said)
m. "No, I said did you get your smiley?"
(And she laughed in my face.)

Mortifying. Needless to say she's no longer with us. (A faulty hair drier) But such is the power of smileys, that I still love them inspite of their associated childhood torment.

BRING BACK SECRET!

Don't tell me I've built this up in my head because "Secret" chocolate bar was like heaven in a foil covered chocolate log situation.
I remember getting these after mass (coniving catholics) and thinking that we should have been worshipping in the sweet aisle, not church.
This was probably an early terrorist attack that didn't have short term success, but it shure fucked us up in the long run.

What about War of the Buttons?

ET was voted best film of all time by some important person/group of people. This film always reminds me of travelers, so the next time you see it, think of ET as a member of the traveling community and he's trying to get back to the Hiace.
The list went something like this:
1. ET
2. The wizard of OZ.
3. Mary Poppins
4. Chitty chitty bang bang
5. Toy Story

War of the buttons was nowhere in sight. Must be something to do with it's adult themes.

Did Enda Kenny make a balls of the Titanic?

Hold it, that ain't Enders. RTE just needs to give up. I mean you would have to actively search for a picture of Victor Garber (The engineer or some shit from titanic, also in ALIAS when Jennifer Garner wore a lot of wigs) instead of Enda Kenny.
I think there is seriously a comic genius running RTE, who, instead of pouring his creative energy into original comedy, fucks with the news and puts Maura on the afternoon show.

He climbin in yo windows...

IGNORE ATTEMPTED RAPE PART!
Cause this woman can handle her bidness.
They need to get rid of the GARDAI from crimeline and hand the programme over to the bandana mess of a brother at the end, or he could read out the funeral notices.

Should have stayed with big foot...

I knew I recognised the Kardashian's step-dad from someplace, and I also knew it wasn't from the Olympics. Also Khloe rang a bell too. Then I put two and two together, watched Harry and the Hendersons and hey pesto we have a winner.
Obviously they shaved Harry down, cause he must shed like a bitch.

SM

Wart nose releases single.

X factor loser Polly, is brightening up the summer with a tune. Simon Cowell has yet to fork out on some wartner for his nose. Maybe they're afraid his power lies with his warts. Anyway don't bother listening cause it's tripe, apart from an inspired bit in the middle where he goes "Da da dee dee da da" like some jazz cat. Amy Winehouse better watch out.

SM

Most Useless 'Celebrity'...........

Why is she making 25k + an show? she contributes NOTHING, unless you take into account condescending stares, comments, and pursed lips. Her job consists of packing Smashbox Gift bags for actual celebrities, and even at that i seriously would question her authority on which lipstick gets selected. Her boyfriend is even too embarrassed to be seen on the show which her, probably for the fact that he is actually her first cousin, and he is the only mildy good looking man she could locate in LA to pose as her boyfriend without reducing him cardiac arrest with sher boredom. She has zero opinions on anything of importance, unless the old cliche 'Just say no to drugs', and who wants that at a party. Please LO (What the F does that even mean, LO?) fall down a large drain outside DeLux or whatever that hangout is, and bred with the only things equal to you, rats and Junkie stung outs.

Lollipops Out.

When you feet swell...............

Many moon's ago, after a long stint of drinking and standing, and drinking and dancing over a 63hr period, i suffered from the dreaded, Pregnant Foot. This is when all foot and leg fat form in one beautiful unison, created what is other none as 'The Cankle'.But do not be mislead. This is a unsightly, and painful side affect of hen parties and family weddings.Solution? None as yet, then again, i did go out last nit, standing, dancing and drinking. Any advice welcome.

Lollipops Out.

How much???

Aldi need to stop making chinese food and start breeding more kids, cause I ain't spendin 24 dollars on some little girl in heels. And she can't do math worth a damn!

Never mind what I said bout the Chinese food, cause this is genius!

False advertising: This isn't about fertiliser.

While paroozing through oprah.com trying to fullfill myself and become a conscious eater (I woke up this morning in a crisp blanket), I found this lady who's taken a well known brand of fertiliser and turned it into a self help book.
Brace yourself cause this is like watching a child discover its hands for the first time or realising that if you buy lots of drinks at once, you don't have to go to the bar as often. Here's what this NCF playjorizer has to say for herself:

I have—over a decade of tinkering and practice—devised a method, for lack of a better word, to help me balance my multiple life roles and navigate the daily dilemmas of an overstuffed existence.
I call it 10-10-10.
Here's how it works. Every time I find myself in a situation where there appears to be no solution that will make everyone happy, I ask myself three questions:
What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes?
In 10 months?
And in 10 years?
The answers usually tell me what I need to know not only to make the most reasoned move but to explain my choice to the family members, friends, or coworkers who will feel its impact.
I've used 10-10-10 to make some of the most meaningful decisions in my life—my divorce, for one. But the effectiveness of 10-10-10 crept up on me when I started using it on a much smaller scale.
The first time was a typical weekday. Dropping the kids off at school on the way to work, I promised that I would definitely, absolutely see them at dinner so we could do homework together and watch our favorite TV show. I also promised our babysitter the evening off.
At 5 P.M., of course.....,

I'll leave the rest to your imagination, SPOILER: She doesn't kill herself. This lady is going on my list of people who shouldn't be allowed to vote.
SM.